Mom's journey

Today marks my mother's third anniversary in the great sky above. I have been anticipating this day all week. Today was a normal day for me, I woke up early this morning to go to work at the coffee shop, I then spent the rest of the afternoon with my husband who took me on a drive. We drove, and we talked about my mother some, while listening to a playlist I made her.

Growing up my mom was a good mom that tried her best to provide for us kids. She had a heart of gold and has since her passing been referred to as "the sweetheart of the west". My mom was one of the strongest people that I knew and still holds that title to this day.

I felt a close bond to my mom growing up, she was my comfort. The way my mom would hug me as I had tears, and tell me that things would be okay, I truly believed her. There wasn't anything like a good pep talk from her that would get me straight in the line of thinking again, even if the pep talk was "chin up boob's out".

My mom was one of the smartest people I knew right next to my grandma Phyllis. My mom was very smart in a few ways. She could handle her own and be able to navigate through life, she knew how to do chemistry and mathematics as if it were the Sunday morning crossword puzzle. She was gifted in the sense of book smarts and street smarts.

My mom had the most contagious laugh. I can still picture my mother with her round cheeks and cherry nose, throwing her head back and laughing a beautiful belly laugh as she would nudge the person next to her with one hand.

My mom had so many amazing components that made her who she was and essentially made me who I have become. Although, my mother was of many talents and had a heart the size of the world she had her struggles too.

Off and on throughout my life my mom struggled with alcohol addiction. I remember her listening to Joyce Meyer sermons in the morning while drinking coffee and getting ready to begin the day, but I also remember her abandoning us kids in the middle of the night to party.

Throughout my life I watched my mother go from being functional to letting alcohol control her entire life. I watched my mother choose her fate when she continued to choose alcohol after being diagnosed with cirrhosis. I truly never understood why someone with so much intelligence, beauty, character could be taken control of by an addiction.

Growing up into my teenage years I maintained a steady relationship with my mom, I got a lot of good years out of her. She would teach me how to cook, play board games with me, listen to me vent about life. My mom was very close to me in my teenage years.

It wasn't until the last year of my mother's life that we had a falling out. I was in college at the time and under a lot of stress, my mom was at the peak of her addiction, she was no longer a functioning alcoholic. My mom and I had started to get into my arguments due to her drinking and me not wanting to play into the drama of it all. There came a point where my mom had become someone, I did not recognize any more, and I couldn't take the heart break much longer.

In the Spring of 2021, I distanced myself from my mom after a bad falling out involving my sister, the fight felt like two against one and I was quite frankly tired of being involved with that two of them who were both at the peak of their addictions. I decided to choose myself instead of choosing to continue to let these two people hurt my feelings. It was a difficult decision to choose no contact with my mom, but it was something that needed to be done for my sanity's sake.

November 23, 2021, approximately 3 AM I received a phone call from my dad stating that my mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital in Rapid City due to internal bleeding effected by a botched hysterectomy that was done a few weeks prior. I made the decision to leave my house in the middle of the night to go to Rapid City to be with my mom.

Upon arriving, I was greeted by my sister in the parking lot who I had not seen for 8 months due to a falling out that ended the contact with both her and my mom. The two of us went to where mom was at in the ICU, she had just gotten out of surgery to try and stop her bleeding. I remember seeing mom as she was hooked up to a ventilator and various machines, knowing that she would not be leaving the hospital alive. I spoke with the doctors and was advised that it was just a matter of time before she passed.

I started contacting relatives and letting them know that she was not going to make it and that her fight has come to an end. It was a very long emotional day, I was flooded with phone calls and text messages. I remember breaking down in the waiting room. I random woman walked up to me and asked if she could give me a hug, through the tears I accepted, I explained to her the hurt that I was carrying with me and explained my situation. This woman told me that she had just lost her daughter recently in a tragic accident. The hug that woman gave me was genuine and full of love, it was truly a selfless action this woman did.

I spoke to my mom while it was just the two of us in the room. I talked to her about my hurt, my pain, my reasoning for cutting her off. I poured my heart out to my mom as her body laid there weak and limp as she was hooked up to all the machines. I tried to make peace with her the best that I knew how to. That evening my mother made her journey to heaven, she was surrounded by her family and my sister and me.

It took me a while to get right with myself again after losing mom. I used to drink more frequently to fill the emptiness that she left in my heart, only to realize that what I was doing to myself was the same road that she went down. I found myself some help and got into grief counseling to help me get through the hurt that was left.

3 years later, so much has changed. 3 years later, I still have that miss for my mom. I thinking missing your mom is a feeling that never truly goes away. I can say that I have made some leaps in bounds from who I was 3 years ago to who I am today. I think my mom would be proud of me making it through her passing/

I have found myself being at peace with mom's passing. Although, the pain and sadness of the "could have been's" will always be there, I know in my heart that she is finally at peace. My mom is no longer a prisoner of her own mind anymore, she is no longer controlled by alcohol and hurt. I know for a fact that she is in heaven watching over my sister and me.

To my mother, thank you for truly loving me for who I am, and for molding me into who I have become. Thank you for being so influential and teaching me how to be strong and resilient. I love you now and will forever,

your daughter,

Syd Beth

Peace & Love

The Daily Extrovert.