I'll be home for Christmas.

Walking into the Holidays is always a reminder of once was and what will be. Starting the holidays has always been hard for me. Christmas being the worst holiday for me, it holds so much heartbreak in more ways than one.

One Christmas that was a heartbreak for me had to of been when I was 21 years old. I had spent Christmas Eve with my dad and his wife's family in the Black Hills. I remember being in that cabin in the hills and watching as everyone interacted so peacefully and with joy. I couldn't help but try and remember the time before that when I had a peaceful Christmas, it hadn't been peaceful and worth writing home about for several years.

On my way home from Christmas with "The Walton's" in the Hills, I figured I would pay my mom a visit. When I arrived in Kadoka, I went to my mom's boyfriends house to visit her with thinking that she could heal the empty feeling in my heart. Upon my arrival I was greeted by her boyfriend Boyd, who is one of few words. I asked to speak to my mother, he led me into her bedroom where she lay with beer cans next to her nightstand and in a sleepy, drunken haze. I remember feeling so let down by this state she was in but couldn't be disappointed in anyone but myself for believing in a false reality that my life was "normal" too.

I hugged my mom and told her Merry Christmas through tears, I left and returned to my vehicle to head home. At this point in time, "home" wasn't really home for me. I felt lost in space trying to cling onto some kind of "normalcy" but, there was nothing "normal" when it came to a dysfunctional family during the holidays.

4 years has come and gone since this experience. 4 long years of nothing but change, we ended up losing my mom that following November, she succumbs to her addiction. My once cheery and happy grandmother Phyllis was in the nursing home, this in itself broke my heart. Although, the nursing home did a good job with their residence during the holidays, I just knew grandma didn't want to be there and I didn't want her there either.

There's a lot of heartbreak for me when reminiscing on what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. Going into this year, I told myself how different it will be this year after getting married and starting my new traditions. My husband and I have so many fun things planned for this season, to Christmas shopping, decorating and baking, all things that I am looking forward to.

We started Christmas decorating in our household already. I had a tote of miscellaneous things that contained Christmas ornaments that I made my mom over the years that I inherited after her passing. I remember presenting my mom with these ornaments over the years with pride and joy to see her eyes light up over the ornament I made with popsicle sticks and marshmallows.

This Christmas season I find myself a little more emotional. Crying over the Christmas music I heard in the grocery store, becoming enraged when remembering a time when thinks weren't all that merry. In growth there is no reasoning with your emotions, my simple advice is to feel your feelings and give yourself some grace during these times that are supposed to be filled with cheer.

Christmas in a broken home is something that comes with the feeling of emptiness. You see the movies of holiday cheer; you see your friends together with their families and you find yourself a bit envious wishing that your family wasn't so fucked up so everyone could coexist in the same household for one evening of Christmas greetings. There comes with a lot of wishing and wanting come the season.

As I embark on my journey, I reflect at what has been. I couldn't change the fact that my parent's divorced. I couldn't change the fact that we were so poor one year that we didn't get Christmas presents. I couldn't change that fact that Christmas eve turned into a flame of anger and tears. There is nothing I can do to change the traumas from my experience with Christmas.

Going forward, I could continue to dwell and have hard feelings about what has been but, I would be missing out on all the good that is yet to be. The time is now to start looking at the good instead of continuing to focus on the bad. The dysfunctional bullshit is finally over. I get to experience waking up in my home with my husband to see what Santa brought us; I get to take Marty to the Belvidere church to show him the beauty of what Christmas Eve felt as a child.

The seasons are hard on people like me, but it doesn't have to be like that. Start doing things that make you feel good, start surrounding yourself with a village of those who love you and care about you. Stop dwelling on the past, or you won't be able to enjoy the good of the present. Take care of yourself in these holiday seasons and remember that not everyone is eager to celebrate as they are working on trying to just get through the holidays. Most importantly, don't forget to take care of yourself.