Odds Stacked Against Me

I have been reminiscing about the days of high school. I think that is just something one does when we grow older with age. I have thought about the sports I participated in the students I became friends with but lost touch within the years of "growing up", "adulting", and starting my new family.

When I was growing up it was no secret that my family much like others struggled, but always (somehow) got by. When I think back to "teenaged Syd" I always think "wow, what a little shit!". I have always been hard on myself when looking back to the old me. I have some regrets such as I wish I would have better student, friend, classmate, etc. But I also remind myself to give 15-year-old Syd a little grace.

15-year-old Syd was someone who was always getting into a little mischief and starting a little drama. I think back, and cringe and some of the things that I did or said when I was just a teenager with poor sense of direction in life.

The odds I feel were stacked against me and I don't think very many people on the sidelines were too hopeful of who I would become as an adult. Like I said I try my best to have a little grace for my past self. I often times remind myself that I lived in survival mode for a big portion of my life up until recently. I wasn't aware of how to live a healthy lifestyle. I relied on alcohol often in my teenage years, I was always drinking. I saw the adults in my life drinking and figured that they turned out "ok", so why not?

As an adult now looking back on my teenage self, I feel bad for myself in that time frame of life. If I could give 15-year-old Sydney a hug and tell her to keep fighting and that it would all work out, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I was the type of kid that other parents and teachers would be concerned about. I had a huge chip on my shoulder and was ready to tell just about anyone to "f*ck off" that tried to tell me otherwise. That person wasn't really me, the person I really was, was a caring, thoughtful, confused juvenile with no sense of how to figure out my shit.

Teenaged Syd was a solver. Teenage Syd would figure out how to navigate that chaos that would ensue at home. Teenage Syd would try and be calm and gentle when a fiery, dysfunctional feud would arise at home. Teenage Syd would try and do her best to love her grandma and take care of her grandma when needed.

There was so much more that teenage Syd had that others often times overlooked. I always tell myself that people tend to look at the bad because it's more entertaining than glorifying the good. I always felt a bit beat down and felt that my imagine and how I portrayed myself in high school was stuck with me for the rest of my life.

It was my Senior Year of high school when shit got real to me. I started looking at what my next option was for me. I applied to a 2 year college in the eastern part of South Dakota. I thought that a new change and a new town would do me a lot of good. So, there I went to start my new adventure as my own person. I started schooling and it fizzled out by second semester. I absolutely hated what I was studying, and I hated who I was even more. I became a loudmouth, drunken fool that didn't give a damn about passing classes or paying rent.

It was my second semester of college when I decided I had better move back home and figure out what I was going to do. I moved to my families ranch in Kyle, SD. I remember how that move felt for me. I felt so happy to home and back with my people, but also felt that I let myself down big time and felt like a big loser who couldn't hack a 2-year college.

That Spring I spent back home holds some of my fondest memories I made with my family and friends. It was as if my soul was renewed. There was nothing that riding on the back of my favorite mount in the open prairie, some fresh air, and cowboy philosophy from some of favorite cowboys couldn't fix. I had a new sense of direction after that Spring.

Summer was coming close the end, and that is when I had the discussion with my aunt. She was pushing me towards education once again. I was scared shitless to reapply to go back to school, after my history of being a poor student and my first semester of college I wasn't too keen on the idea of going back to school. But I also knew that I couldn't be a cowpoke living in my aunt and uncle's basement for the rest of my life.

Here I was again filling out the FASFA, and doing a college visit at the community college in Rapid City. I didn't know what my purpose was. One night sitting in the basement with my brother from another mother, I had made the decision that I would go back to school to become a law enforcement officer. Me? A cop? The one who was a straight up shit kid in their teenage years, a law enforcement officer? Didn't sound right.

Away I went to school once again. Come to find out, school was an absolute breeze for me. I looked forward to going to class each morning, I looked forward to handing my assignments in that I had put my heart and soul into. I just kept fighting each step of the way. Even though I worked 3 jobs to put myself through schooling, and was taking on 21 credit hours, never once did I weaken. My goal at this point was to show the haters wrong. Nothing fueled me more to keep fighting the good fight then when people would shit on me or make comments about how they were surprised to see me take the educational route that I did.

When I graduated from college I had been chosen by my instructors as "Outstanding Graduate" recipient. If I were to have told 15-year-old Sydney that she would be graduating college as a Outstanding Graduate with high honors, she wouldn't have believed me.

My biggest accomplishment wasn't the diploma, wasn't the awards. My biggest accomplishment was unbecoming who I learned to become in dysfunction. After so long of trying to prove myself to others, I forgot to remember to prove to myself that I was capable of accomplishing good things.

My story isn't beautiful or picture perfect. My story is simply about a kid that had that odds stacked against them and was able to make it this far in life by the sheer will of determination and want for a better life.

My advice to you and especially the young people that have a similar story to mine is to keep fighting the good fight. Keep reaching for your goals and remember that you are worthy of a good life. No matter what your circumstances are remember that you are the only person that can make the changes for a better life.

You are worthy, you are smart, you are important.

Peace & Love

The Daily Extrovert.